Walsall has two main town-centre nightclubs: 'Harley's' and 'Colliseum', both on Bradford Place. I will visit both of these nightclubs and post reviews of them here if and when my life becomes tragic enough to warrant a visit to a small-town nightclub. This will be at roughly the same time as I get the divorce papers through from my second teenage wife and shortly after I have fixed a set of 20inch wheels with gold alloys to my XR2i. In the meantime, a few general pointers on small-town clubbing, based on my own pre-conceptions and a few conversations I've overheard at one time or another:

Attending a small town nightclub may seem superficially to be similar to city-centre clubbing, but in fact it is a very different experience, full of pitfalls and will often be far more complex, intimidating and potentially painful. Things to look out for include:

Colliseum (sic) Nightclub Harley's Nightclub, where ladies often drink free. Classy.

Bad Dancing Competitions. There is a highly secretive underground organisation that arranges bad dancing competitions in small-town nightclubs. These competitions are never advertised as such, so that to an innocent club-goer it can seem as if a flailing mess of bad dancing has just broken out on the dancefloor as if from nowhere. The truth is rather more sinister - these are clandestine meetings of bored office workers who, ravaged by years of trying to obtain cocaine and the demands of working in high-pressure financial jobs, can now only get their kicks this way. It is a little-believed fact that the recent Hollywood film 'Fight Club' was based on this scene, substituting some place in America for small-town England and bare-knuckle fighting for bad dancing. 'Ladies Drink Free' Nights. Female clubbers who think that a night out drinking free drinks sounds like a good idea should be very wary of attending such evenings. These are a stock tactic of the small-town nightclub, and invariably attract a certain type of customer - namely, women who want cheap drinks and, more worryingly, socially inadequate and often staggeringly unlikeable men who attend in the hope that their minimal chances of finding a woman willing to swap telephone numbers and bodily fluids with them will be improved by the ready availability of alcohol. Unless you have no standards whatsoever, our advice is to steer well clear. Dress Codes. Dressing up for a night out in a small-town nightclub involves a fine balancing act. The ubiquitous phrase 'smart casual' has a slightly different meaning in the small-town context. If you wish to gain entry to such a nightclub and to blend in once inside, you will need to obtain a pair of 'Farrah Fleck' trousers, a garish Ben Sherman shirt and a Calvin Klein or YSL T-Shirt, but you MUST ensure that the T-shirt is a badly-produced fake. These can certainly not be obtained from the market. Age restrictions. small-town nightclubs will often have a minimum age limit of 18. However, any 18 year-olds will most likely be going into the nearest city or some other nearby cultural hotspot, leaving the surrounding small-town nightclubs full of more kids than Gary Glitter's hard-drive.

Please Note: None of the comments above necessarily apply to either of Walsall's nightclubs, which I have no reason to believe are run in any other than a legal and professional way. Like I said, I haven't been to either of them, so how would I know? Some of it may be based on trips to other clubs in other small towns...
In any case, this is satire (or so I'm told). For more details see the main disclaimer.